back to the sky on your own.
Hello! My name is Maddy. I'm trying to recover from anorexia, self-harm, suicidal ideation and depression. I'll do my best not to be triggering, but there may be some posts anyway-- I will tag them with "TW".

Feel free to ask me anything, I'm here for you :)

Cut-free since April 27, 2013!
"

It has never been easy. When I was sixteen, I knew every potentially fatal thing in my house: Nail polish remover under the sink. Bottle of rubbing alcohol beside it. Hammer in the tool box. Forty foot bridge across the highway. Traffic outside my window.

I thought about slamming my own head against a counter until I lost feeling. I thought about punching myself in the face until I stopped breathing. I thought about running out into the street at two a.m. and waiting until a car came.

I never thought I’d make it to twenty-five. But I told myself to stay. Just for a little longer. Just to see.

So I did. I sat silent amongst my friends, searching for a way to speak. I stopped leaving my house. I swapped sleeping for staying up all night, staring at my bedroom walls. When someone came into my room to talk to me, I started crying. But I stayed. Because I thought, if I plan on dying in a few years anyway, what do I have to lose? And some days I didn’t feel like I was being swallowed whole. Some days I sat by my pool and sang until the sun set. Some days I kissed somebody on their parent’s couch and didn’t feel lonely when I got to my own bed. Some days I listened to a really great song and felt understood, if only for a second.

I stayed. And still I thought about bridges. And hammers to the head. And swallowing acetone to cleanse my insides. But slowly slowly slowly I began to understand that it was okay to cry, and shake, and feel anything but okay. I realized that there would still be days that my fist would rise to my cheek. And still, my face would sometimes resemble a bruised peach.

But now I tear up my lists of potentially ways to die before I complete them. I replace prescription: pills, rubbing alcohol, and razors with memories of the good days. Of holding your hand through the entire state of Oregon. Of running half-naked down a snowy street three New Year’s ago. Of riding go-carts in the Canadian wilderness. Of smoking cigarettes on the beach in San Francisco with someone I met six months ago. If I had left, we would not know each other.

If you feel the same way, stay. For the good days. And the sunsets. And the people out there who understand. Stay because being submerged in black water does not mean you have to drown. Stay. Just for a little longer. Just to see.

"

Stay | Lora Mathis 

Erase the stigma behind mental illness. Being alive isn’t easy. We all have to help each other out. Losing Robin Williams to depression was a tragedy. Reach out to those around you and always offer help. 

(via lora-mathis)

(via i-choose-recovery)

"Life is too short for self hatred and celery sticks"
(via recoveryninja)

(via eileenisrecovering)

My best friend’s cat lost a lot of weight and I’m both triggered and jealous.

I hate this illogical, never-ending disease.

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1 day ago - 56,806 notes -
"I am better than I was.
I will be better than I am."

(140/365) by (DS)

(via anotheramandam)

curiouslymistook:

healthycomfyhappy:

blk0912:

boredandmoist:

This time last year I was unemployed, broke, and suicidal.

Today, I just got the keys to my first house.

Give it time.

Needed this today

when you hear people preach that it gets better, they aren’t joking. if it’s not better yet, it will be. 

this post could literally be saving lives rn and that is why i love this website.

(via drugaddictsdaughter)

"No one will miss me", "I’m better off dead"

after-crisis:

When I worked at a non-profit that handled suicide prevention, I had access to the donation records. Each month, a specific man donated 15$ to our organization. It was like clockwork.. same day, same man, he had been doing this for over 4 years. It always seemed odd to me but I never questioned it… until I saw a note attached one month. "For Noah- Dad"

his donation was once his child’s allowance.

I can promise you, they would miss you for the rest of their lives.

(via just-a-skinny-boy)

samdesantis:

princessfucknugget:

some days you do big things and conquer the universe and other days you’re really proud of yourself for making a spectacular grilled cheese and not killing yourself but either way it’s all good 

a very important post

(Source: garbageurl, via beckster90)

"For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen: a gaseous nebula must collapse.

So collapse.
Crumble.
This is not your destruction.

This is your birth."

n.t. (via constellationofaquarius)

(via i-choose-recovery)

1 day ago - 365,729 notes -